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Sunday, August 08, 2010

Apparently the Universe reads my blog

So I have this thing I do called "tilting the universe".

Say a major snowstorm is predicted for the Triad. Lanie Pope is on the air, beside herself with excitement, reminding viewers to stock up now, because roads are predicted to be impassable for at least two days.

You have two choices:
  1. Purchase enough groceries for a week in case the roads are impassable and you cannot get to the grocery.
  2. Decide that all weathermen suffer from severe exaggeritis and you'll get to the store easily enough.
Pick option 1 and all snow will melt by noon the first day, option 2 and you'll be housebound for a minimum of four days.

Do you see how that works? Let's try another one.

It's late one weekday evening in January when the first snowfall of the year starts falling. Snow! Your kids happily don winterwear and race outside to feel the flakes against their faces. Five-ten minutes go by while you watch Lanie on TV again, nattering on happily about accumulation and probable school delays. Then you realize it's nearing bedtime on a school night.
  1. Let 'em keep playing. There will be a delay at least, if not an outright cancellation. The school officials are just waiting until the last possible minute to call it, but you'll get that 6 AM call, you know it.
  2. Call them in for bed. There will be plenty of time tomorrow to play in the snow if school is delayed or canceled.
Pick option 1 and they will come in way too late and sopping wet because the snow turned to freezing rain and they elected not to tell you. There will be no delay, so you'll send your rundown little waifs into the cesspool of germs that is school, and they'll promptly come down with massive colds. They'll tell anyone who'll listen they're sick because they were playing in freezing rain at ten o'clock at night, and thereafter all the other parents will give you That Look at pickup time. Good job.

Pick option 2 and there will be no delay because the roads are clear. While your children are in school, the lovely white blankets of snow on all the grass will melt without them ever having had a chance to play in it. They will remember this failure of yours forever, for children are like elephants.

The correct option for tilting the universe is option 3, which is to give them five extra minutes outside, making sure to tell them you're doing this so they know just how awesome you are. When you tuck them in, faces washed and teeth brushed, make sure to tell them it's actually Lanie Pope who directs all the snowplows, so if the roads are clear in the morning and school is on time, it's her fault. BLAME HER. Ta-da!

OK, so back to the here and now. Remember lo those nine days ago when I said αντίο to Dr. Votanopoulos? Ho, ho, ho, said the Universe, cackling unattractively and rubbing its scaly, clawlike hands together.

And so I got to see Dr. V. this past Friday! And I'll probably see him tomorrow, too. I definitely get to see him this coming Friday. And you needn't worry, because it's for something TOTALLY STUPID. Caterpillar pooe par stupid.

And it's all my own fault for gleefully saying I was done with him. Accordingly I have a special message for the Universe.

DEAR UNIVERSE:

THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH, BECAUSE ACTUALLY DR. VOTANOPOULOS AND I ARE SECRETLY BFFS. WE'RE PROBABLY GOING TO GET ONE OF THOSE TWO PIECE PENDANTS SOON AND MAKE IT OFFICIAL, AND WE'RE DEFINITELY GOING TO START CALLING EACH OTHER SO WE CAN PLAN OUR CLOTHES TO MATCH (note to self: does The Maxx sell long white coats?) IN FACT, I'M NAMING OUR NEXT ANIMAL VOTANOPOULOS BECAUSE THE BESTNESS OF OUR FRIENDSHIP IS THAT FOREVER. SO PLEASE, UNIVERSE, KEEP IT UP. I WANT TO SEE DR. V. AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

LOVE,
LUCY
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