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Friday, July 02, 2010

BREAKING REPORT: "GLAP"

Please welcome intrepid, first-time LiF Cub Reporter Jon Lowder as he brings us this important Local Field Report. You can read more of his scintillating dispatches about demented dogs, demented politicians, and a hot bevy of other subjects, demented and not, on his own blog, JonLowder.com.

First a disclaimer: I'm not a big sweets eater. While some people consider dinner a necessary evil between them and dessert, I tend to be a dessert-optional kind of guy.

Another disclaimer: I love Krispy Kreme, but I can only eat two of them at one sitting, max. I have friends and family who can polish off a half-dozen without even thinking about it, so I consider myself somewhat of a Krispy Kreme lightweight. On the other hand I really do love classic Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts, and I happen to think that Cheerwine is the finest soft drink in the land. Keep all of that in mind as you read my take on the Cheerwine Kreme filled Krispy Kremes.

If I had to use just one word to describe these things it would be: glap. If you gave me two words it would be: nngga glap. If you gave me a full sentence it would be: These things are so cloyingly sweet I thought my tongue was going to be glued to the roof of my mouth until sometime around Christmas.

Realizing that my sweet tooth is rather small and maybe I wasn't the best judge for these things, I decided to ask my lovely wife, Celeste, what she thought of them. You have to understand that this is a woman who would crawl over glass for Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Bad day at work? We make a bee line for the Hot Sign. Mid life crisis rearing its ugly head? Stratford Road it is. In short, Krispy Kreme is her go-to comfort food. So I called her into the kitchen and asked her for a verdict.

(Quick sidebar here: normally we wouldn't deign to eat Krispy Kreme's in our kitchen since everyone knows that the ONLY way to eat the World's Greatest Doughnut is at the store when the "Hot Sign" is glowing, but these concoctions are only available at participating grocery stores. I've heard that some Krispy Kreme locations are starting to carry them, but they weren't when we went looking. What the hey? That's like your pastor saying you can't come to church on Sunday but you're welcome to watch the sermon on public access cable. Sheesh.)

So anyway, Celeste grabbed a doughnut, eyed it lovingly and took a bite. Then she gagged and spit it out. I'm not kidding, she spit it out. After getting over my shock I asked her what she really thought, and she mumbled something about being a Krispy Kreme purist who really just likes the classic glazed variety so maybe we shouldn't hold the doughnut responsible. Really? I couldn't shake my shock, so I just kind of nodded and wondered what to do with the rest of the doughnuts. Give 'em to the dogs, maybe?

Then I had a thought: we have two teenage boys in the house, and if they don't like these things then they really are inedible. So I called in our 17 year old and handed him one of the cursed doughnuts. He eyed it suspiciously and took a bite. Unlike his mother he didn't gag, and he didn't spit it out. I asked him what he thought, and he said, "Well, I wouldn't choose to eat it over something else but if it's all I had I'd eat a couple." Huh. On a positive note our 14 year old seemed to like them, and since he's never spoken in full sentences I'd say his two word review, "Pretty good" is a thumbs up.

So here's my take: If you like very sweet food you'll probably like these, but otherwise I'd stick to the other Krispy Kreme varieties, and if you really need a Cheerwine fix then just get yourself a cold bottle of it and enjoy it on its own.
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