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Monday, April 12, 2010

It may be Monday morning, but it feels like Friday night when you read...


It's been a long journey, but we've finally made it to the end. There have been ups: plenty of Myers family footage and loads of Junior's backwoods insight and geriatric driving skills; and downs: Tim Brown's Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia hair and Chris Fleming's spiral into a depression so deep that Blue Cross/Blue Shield is nervous that he'll be buying Cymbalta at Costco. We've met Junior's freshly highlighted and twitchy crew chief, Eric. We were introduced to the new up and comer, Jon Boy Brown. We also met Bombshell McGee, oops, wrong scandal, I meant, Chasity the BBQ waitress who caught Jon Boy's eye but was already smitten with another... the happily married Burt Myers. There was Uncle Frank, Ben Brown, Brad Robbins, and a dog named BJ. Let's avoid the sadness of good-byes and get right to the review...

Tim Brown is sweating as the championship is his to lose during the last race of the season. If he has a poor finish and Burt wins the race, then he can wave good-bye to his 8th championship. We're guaranteed Tim is going to play it safe, as he did all season. Remember how you would play dodgeball in gym and there was always one kid afraid of getting a dodgeball to the face or the crotch, so he hid behind that one gargantuan 4th grader that could pass for a sophomore in high school? All of a sudden the game would be almost over, and you'd look up and wonder, "Uh, how has little Timmy managed to stay in the game this long?" I'll tell you why, little Timmy played it safe. It doesn't mean you're good, it mean you're boring.

The good news this week is that Tim managed to locate his stolen property. What did Tim have stolen you may ask? His heart. He seemed to locate it somewhere. I think hearts probably tend to get lost when your soul is as black as tar. Tim had some kind words for his race team, thanking them for all their hard work. He was even nice to his wife, who I think is way too sweet and too cute for him. She is just adorable.

On to the Myers garage... and guess who made his return??? You got it. Uncle Frank himself. I want to take Uncle Frank on a date... to Kermit's Hot Dog House. Please, Myers family if you are reading this, invite me over for Christmas dinner and let me sit in between Uncle Frank and Pam. I'll make deviled eggs. Everyone at the Myers garage is looking for Jason, who is MIA since his win last week. In walks Jason and Frank, who has already used this line once this season says, "Shut yo' nasty mouth, there's the winner!" Can I just say how great a line "Shut yo' nasty mouth" is? Especially since it's coming from a 70-year-old man. Burt and Jason discuss how Junior is probably going to try to get revenge for the last race of last season and prevent Burt for any chance at winning a championship.

On to the Fleming house... Chris is still complaining about his ribs, his lack of money, his parking space being stolen, the sky being blue, etc, etc. Chris seems to have a lovely family. I cannot understand why this man needs to complain so much. We know you broke your ribs. We've heard you state this. Good news Chris, Obama's health care plan passed. Pretty soon you can quit your job, lay on your couch and send ME the bill for your broken ribs. Don't thank me, thank Mr. Obama. Your money issues are solved.

Junior and Jon Boy have decided to bring in a secret weapon this week... the "00" car. This car is essentially designed to crash into anything that has the name Myers behind the wheel. Jon Boy is competing for a championship and Junior is just trying to stay awake until Wheel of Fortune comes on at 7pm so he'll pass the time by crashing really expensive cars. I will say that the "00" car doesn't look too awful expensive. Especially since it's painted number "7" and the crew members were changing it to "00" using orange duct tape. Things are certainly high tech over at the Miller garage.

Race day arrives and the "00" car is immediately banned from competition by Gray Garrison, the track manager. Race officials deems the car unsafe and will not allow it to race. It looked pretty unsafe... remember that episode where Junior evicted that lady from the trailer?? I could be wrong, but I thought that I saw the "00" race car sitting on cinder blocks growing plants out of the engine. Or maybe that was an old El Camino? Same difference.

The race gets under way and Burt quickly takes the lead. Tim bows out politely to 3rd place where he remains, playing it safe. Jon Boy and Jason Myers are never really factors in the race. Junior announces over his in car radio, "It's Miller Time." I assumed that "Miller Time" meant he was going to wreck somebody. What I didn't realize was that "Miller Time" actually meant Junior was going to drive himself into another car. I'm thinking Junior may have seen a woman in the stands sporting a low cut Southern Lady housecoat from Hamricks and got distracted. I've heard housecoats can really drive the men wild.

Burt hangs on to win the race and Tim wins the championship. No one really cares about Tim's win because he is after all, boring.

In the pits after the race Chris Fleming gets into a fight with Brad Robbins. Lots of talkey... but no real fist to chin action. Chris took a giant swing at Brad but missed. We saw one guy getting escorted out in handcuffs. Quite the ruckus.

So that's it everyone. Stick a fork in me... I'm done.

Race season begins on April 24 with a 200 lapper (Tuscon 200). Or go to bowmangrayracing.com for the complete schedule for the 2010 season. If you've never been... go. If you've already been... go back.

And here's your final Madhouse Quote of the Week:

Since he wore a Moonshine shirt every week, I only felt it fitting to use the quote on Jason's final Moonshine shirt of the season, "Moonshiners do it in the dark."

GO BURT MYERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for reading everyone.
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