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Monday, March 22, 2010

Nun Day Mite rhymes with Monday Night, which can only mean it's time for...


Greetings, Madhouse fans! What a week it was…. all about Tim Brown. Here are the valuable lessons I took away from this week at the Madhouse:
  1. If you scream obscenities into a microphone in front of 20,000 people, it is customary to blame everyone else instead of accepting responsibility yourself… because, you know, the person in Row R Seat 15 is definitely responsible for your salty language.
  2. If you decide to apologize to your teammates for causing embarrassment and shame to your racing team, it is a good idea to swear at them and tell them to shut up while offering your sincerest regrets.
  3. Kissing the behind of the man holding your fate for cursing at the race does not work when he already has the typed press release on what your punishment is in an envelope in his back pocket.
So here’s the 411 on this week’s episode:

We started out racing this week. Burt Myers and Tim Brown were head to head on the front row for this week’s featured event. Word around the pits is that Tim Brown is a big, giant wimp. He won’t choose sides, he won’t get in fights, and he definitely won’t look in the mirror and realize his hair style went out in 1975. I will give Junior Miller credit: at least he’ll pick a side. He doesn’t like the Myers, the Myers don’t like him. Tim Brown must have been his parent’s peer pressure nightmare, because all he wants to do is be liked, and he’ll do anything to avoid controversy. Controversy sells --just ask Lindsay Lohan, US Weekly or the Kardashians.

Burt and Tim agree to run a clean race. Both know they don’t need to resort to foolish tactics of spinning each other out or running one another into a guard rail to win the race… let the fastest driver prevail. The green flag drops, and as quick as the lady in Row J swallows a handful of pork rinds, Tim Brown has spun Burt Myers causing him to drop to 14th. Tim hangs on to win the race, but Burt is mad. He decides to rain on Tim’s parade and bumps him from behind during his victory lap. No damage is done to Tim’s car. It was more of a message.

On to Victory Lane (otherwise known as a golf cart with a platform with a checkered flag background on it). The fans go nuts when Tim exits the vehicle. Tim expects to be showered with love and cheers of joy. Hey, Tim, do you look like Dale Earnhardt, Jr? No one cares. Tim is instead greeted by boos, middle fingers and the occasional cheese fry being flung at his head. Did I mention that Burt is the Golden Boy? People love him at Bowman Gray. You spin him out, they are angry. Angry like the Golden Corral has stopped serving cherry cobbler angry.

I was laughing out loud at the pure shock on Tim’s face. He was genuinely surprised that people were yelling at him. So Tim does what any normal, grown up would do in this situation; he grabs the microphone and proceeds to invite Burt Myers on to the track to kick his (rhymes with cutlass). Fans are astonished that Tim has chosen to use such an offensive word. Children are in utter disbelief; they immediately stop flicking off Tim because of the sheer magnitude of this horrifying statement. I mean it’s one thing to use language like that in front of adults, but using the A word in front of innocent children wearing t-shirts that say Bootylicious and “FBI: Federal B00b Inspector” is another thing. Come on man, where are your morals?!? These children don’t know words like that!

The pits are astir with what the consequences of Tim’s vulgar words are going to be. Will he be penalized in points? Will he be suspended? Will Gray Garrison, the track manager, stick a big bar of soap in his filthy mouth?

The show dragged on a little getting to the actual punishment phase. I mean really, I’ve seen murderers receive their sentences faster.

Tim has a moment where he “apologizes” to his teammates by telling his brother to shut up and cursing at them. He also tells them that they are all responsible for what happened. Really, Tim? Are your teammates ventriloquists? Because it looked to me like the words were coming out of YOUR mouth, Howdy Doody.

Finally comes the moment of truth... Gray Garrison calls Tim Brown and tells him to come to the track to find out his fate. Tim arrives, and I have to say I was actually uncomfortable watching a grown man beg and plead like Tim did. Look, you got caught with your hand in the cookie jar, Tim. Take your punishment like a man and be done with it. Gray finally whips out an envelope and Tim discovers that his fate is probation for the rest of the season. Probation? Probation? Does anyone think probation works ever? Probation is like the real world version of a Monopoly Get Out of Jail Free card. Gray Garrison, if you are reading this… shame on ya. Suspend that fool until he can learn that if he has a problem with Burt Myers he needs to come talk to me, Burt Myers’ personal bodyguard, about it.

No other major news in this week’s episode -- we saw very little of the other drivers. The season is really cranked up though, and I’ll keep tuning in.

On a separate note, I got to spend my weekend at Bristol Motor Speedway watching the big boy race cars. While there I got to meet Jason Witten of the Dallas Cowboys and Stone Cold Steve Austin….enjoy the pics. Jason Witten is quite a delicious dish.

And for your Madhouse Quote of the Week... I need submissions!!! My DVR didn’t record, so I didn’t get to write any memorable lines down. Please submit, and we’ll pick a winner!!!
- KT
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