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Monday, March 15, 2010

Monday night means Funday night, because it's time for


Oh mercy, mercy me. What a week at the Madhouse. My jaw literally dropped when we got to meet Chastity, the too tanned/too blonde/too everything waitress who is the reason wives check their husbands' cell phones and email accounts. More on her in a bit...

So this week started out in the Miller garage where we are starting to see more of Jonathan Brown. If you recall, Jonathan is a teammate of Junior Miller and an up-and-comer at the stadium. I knew that the show would have to focus on him at some point because he was such an important part of last season's racing.

I still like Jonathan, despite being aligned with Junior. I just wish he would put on a shirt with sleeves every now and then. I don't want to go to a restaurant and see the underarm hair of the guy sitting next to me. I don't care if I'm eating at McDonald's or at the fanciest restaurant in town... I don't need pit hair to accompany my McRib sandwich.

We got to go to dinner at Clark's BBQ with Junior and his whole racing team including Jonathan. While they were all enjoying their appetizers of "crackers and ranch dressing" (somewhere in the world Bobby Flay saw this and is having a heart attack), in walks a waitress named Chastity. Let me attempt to explain Chastity in as few words as possible... has anyone seen the "Cherry Pie" video by Warrant? Chastity is the 2010 version of the woman in that video. Chastity is Myrtle Beach at it's finest... Let me explain further: you know how you have to go to Wings or Eagles every time you go to the beach to buy your kid a hermit crab that will die before you make it to the car? And how each time you go in the store you wonder who would possibly want to buy all those rebel flag bikinis, Big Johnson t-shirts and pukka necklaces? Well, I've got the answer -- Chastity does. Chastity is one, clear, 6 inch plastic pump and pole away from shattering all her father's hopes and dreams. I find it a bit ironic her name is Chastity. From here on out, Chastity will be known as Bowman Gray Barbie (BGB).

So, back to the dinner... Jonathan is quickly smitten by BGB, and Junior and his crew proceed to talk to her about her favorite driver at the track. She claims to be Burt Myers' biggest fan, something we all know to be false as I am the biggest fan of Burt. BGB makes the statement to the guys that she could be persuaded to cheer for someone else; this is something that a true Burt Myers fan would never say. #1 fan point goes to me. BGB also says that she doesn't need Burt Myers' wife hating her anymore so maybe she'll root for Jonathan. Again, a true Burt Myers fan would never interfere in someone's marriage. I may love the guy, but I also respect that he has a wife and children. Another #1 fan point goes to me. At one point in the dinner BGB makes a joke about giving a table dance. Hmm... what could I say about this comment? It's too easy. Oh please, serve me up some hush puppies and pit cooked BBQ while your hooey looey is in my face. I'm thinking if I have a problem with pit hair, I'm going to have a problem with the table dance.

On to Junior's house where we watch him and his wife, the career smoker, decide to make healthy changes in their lives due to Junior's high cholesterol. Kim, Junior's wife, throws away all unhealthy food from the fridge, leaving Junior saddened and without his beloved ice cream. They make an agreement that if Kim quits smoking, Junior will give her $50 a day for life. They also agree to spend 30 minutes apiece on the world's smallest personal treadmill every day.

I'm going to wager that that treadmill is currently either
A) a clothes rack
B) on the curb for bulky item pick up.

We get to see Junior walking on the treadmill, in socks, while his wife lights up a smoke and watches. That's good; there's nothing I want more while exercising, in socks, than to smell a Virginia Slim. I also started to wonder if the tube sock used to draw places at the race track came from Junior's foot. These are questions I'm afraid I'll never know the answer to.

On to the happiest place on earth -- the Myers garage. Burt's engine has lived its life, and Jason is forced to let Burt use his extra engine. The brothers show that they are willing to help one another, even though it may not be their favorite thing to do. Those boys will always do what's right to stand by their families. Good for them.

We also met Austin Pack this week. Austin is the son of Brian Pack, a Bowman Gray race car driver who died in 2008 after wrecking his motorcycle in an accident in Walkertown. Austin is 16 years old and wants so bad to race like his dad. It was a good storyline to follow this family. Austin's grandpa, Gene Pack, has been a racer at Bowman Gray for years. Austin did fairly well for his first race at the Madhouse.... he finished ahead of Junior. How ya like them apples?

On to race day. It's double points night and we all know that means excitement. These are generally the most exciting nights at the track in the summer. Burt quickly moves from 12th to first and holds on to the lead from Jonathan Brown. Jonathan is angry and complains to race officials that Burt jumped the final restart. Look Jonathan, you snooze you lose. Burt wins, and it's a big victory for him.

In the pits after the race, Jonathan is waiting for Chastity to come by and visit him, and instead we find her over in Burt's pit getting her shirt signed while Burt's wife looks on with a scowl. Scowl away Mrs. Myers, that girl is nothing but trouble. In fact, if you want to hire me as a bodyguard I will keep her away.

Until next week...

Junior, having noticed the new, HIDEOUS blonde highlights in his crew chief's hair: "BJ (Junior's dog) didn't catch you sleeping and pee on your head did he?"
- KT
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