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Monday, February 01, 2010

It's Monday, and that means it's time for your weekly dose of...


Question: What do the following things have in common?

1. A man wearing flip flops while working on a car, in a garage, with dangerous power tools
2. A shirt that says, "Moonshine, It's not Just for Rednecks Anymore"
3. A man wearing a hot pink wife beater tank top
4. A dirty sock with poker chips (this should give it away)

Answer: What are things I saw while watching Madhouse this week?

Buckle up, it's Madhouse time!!!

I wanted it, and I got it...an episode focusing on Jason Myers. Jason is the brother of my favorite potential stalking victim, oops, I mean race car driver Burt Myers. Hiding in the shadow of his father and his big brother, Jason can't seem to find the success his other relatives have at Bowman Gray. I'm thinking the soul patch on his chin that looks like he drooled Hershey's syrup down his face might be slowing him down. Seriously Jason, you shaved all of your face except for one little strip on your chin? Did your Mach 3 go bad, was shaving postponed because Monday Night Raw was coming on or did someone (a blind person) tell you that your strip beard looks good? Come on fella, that's just lazy....shave that sucker.

Despite Jason's facial hair disaster AND the fact that I was very concerned that he was working on cars while wearing flip flops (hello, that's how the little piggy goes wee, wee, wee all the way to the emergency room in a Ziploc bag of ice) I like the guy. He wants to do right by his family and at the same time he wants to win. In my opinion I think Jason doesn't show the drive and desire to win like his brother. Maybe it's because he hasn't basked in glory enough...or, for that matter, basked in the sunlight judging by how pale his legs were in the scene where he was fishing.

I'm still going to root for Jason. He is really a likeable guy. His jokes are funny and he just seems like someone that would make me laugh. Just shave dude, and take your friend Brad Pitt with you.....he's looking like the lost member of ZZ Top these days.

Thank goodness we didn't have to see much of Chris Fleming this week. I'm guessing they couldn't film him because he was busy standing at Hanes Mall Blvd and Stratford Rd with a sign saying, "Race Car Driver, Need to Put Food On the Table. Will take money, shocks, spark plugs or even a Sloppy Joe." Here's the thing about this guy...no one likes a begger. He just seems so sad and pathetic. I keep waiting for violins. Ugh. He calls himself the "Showstopper." More like the "Heartstopper," as I feel my life completely end for the few minutes he's on the screen. Yup, that's 5 minutes of my life I'll never get back.....

Tim Brown. What can I say about Tim Brown??? He is the biggest (insert word that made your mom wash your mouth out with soap for saying here) I have ever met. Once again he was sporting his "I'm important, I work for Michael Waltrip" shirt. Has anyone been to Cana, Virginia? Do they have stores that sell shirts up there? Tim spent most of his time on the show this week yelling at his brother and telling his pit crew (his pit crew that works FOR FREE) that they were lazy, wrong, and stupid. To be more specific he said, "I'm always right. Even when I'm wrong I'm right cause I'm the one paying for everything." Does that make sense? If you're wrong, you're wrong. By the way Tim, Wink Martindale is suing you for copyright violations....he wants his hair back.

This week Tim's whole crew went to the Shazzam Go-Kart track for a fun filled event. The crew, having enough of Tim's attitude, decided to wreck him and let Tim's brother, Ben, win the go-kart race. Ben sort of reminded me of Sloth from "The Goonies" (minus that freaky looking face and the strong desire for Baby Ruth's and Rocky Road). He's this big, goofy guy who is probably sweet as can be but gets kicked around by his brother....or in Sloth's case, gets kicked around by that lady from "Throw Momma From the Train." Ben wins the race and rubs it in Tim's face. Tim is obviously mad that he got beat. I mean really mad. His face was all shriveled up in anger, or maybe it was just the sour smell coming from wearing the same shirt every day, every episode.

On to Junior. Junior, Junior, Junior. Send our state lawmakers to Junior's Garage for an afternoon and then you'll see our public schools get all the funding they need. Junior's Garage is the most backwoods, backwards, Mountain Dew filled palace I have ever seen. I honestly feel dumber listening to his crew speak. It is amazing to me that a man named "Lonnie" can take apart and rebuild a transmission but can't figure out how to use a toothbrush as evident by the fact that his mouth contained 6 teeth and a wad of Copenhagen. And we wonder how David Allen Coe got the inspiration for his songs? Junior makes it too easy to make fun of him. It's like asking Barry Bonds to be the designated hitter on your 5-year-old's T-ball team.

Race day arrives and we see the usual hustle and bustle around the race track. Burt is eyeing a victory as luck has not been on his side this season. He draws the pole position out of the old dirty sock, guaranteeing him a fungus under his finger nails and the best place in the race. It's a 50 Lap race this week and all drivers are nervous about the double file restart rule. (As a regular at the track in the summer I have to say that the double file restart is the most exciting thing to happen at Bowman Gray since they started the Chain Races) Burt leads the entire race, despite a few attempts to steal the lead by Tim Brown, and holds on for his first victory of the season. Go Burt. Jason gets his revenge on Junior by spinning him out. Go Jason.

Another excellent week at the Madhouse. See ya next week!

And your Madhouse Quote of the Week comes from Tim Brown describing what will happen when he goes go-kart racing against his crew:

"This is gonna be an ass thrashin' that they ain't ever gonna forget tonight."

Tim and Junior must have had the same English teacher. Score.
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