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Tuesday, January 26, 2010

It's time once again for...

Madhouse Recap

Week 3 of "Madhouse" is in the books and man oh man was it awesome!! If you aren't watching this show, shame on ya. What else is on at 10pm on Sunday night???

Howl! It was a full moon coming into this week's 100 lap Modified Race so the show focused on the superstitions that the drivers believe in on race days, especially on a full moon. Now, in my line of work I am a firm believer that a full moon brings out the crazy in people....well a full moon AND alcohol. I'm not kidding though, that big round ball in the night sky makes people act so insane Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears look like the inspirations for a Norman Rockwell painting. We're talking madness.

First we saw Tim Brown's grandpa, Eb Clifton, out in the yard looking for 4 leaf clovers. This is something that Mr. Clifton has done for years. Here's what irritated me about the whole scene. Mr. Clifton appeared to be old. I'm talking lucky to be walking without a Rascal old. He spent forever out in Tim's backyard looking for 4-leaf clovers for his grandson. Do you think Tim "The Rocket" Brown cared that his grandpa was in the sweltering N.C. humidity in the middle of summer looking for a lucky clover for his grandson? Nope. That arrogant, Brillo pad hair control freak was inside Windexing his left rear quarter panel. Seriously? You can't take 5 minutes to give your adorable suspender wearing grandpa a hug...or maybe a glass of lemonade? It's like 85 degrees with 100% humidity. (As an aside to Tim Brown if he's reading this......can you please let me know what type of spackel you use on your pompadour....I get the worst frizzy hair in the summer and yours doesn't seem to move.)

Also I have another little P.S. to Tim Brown....can you please wear a different shirt? I am so tired of your blue button up race shirt. We all know you're Mr. Fancy Pants who works for Michael Waltrip Racing. No one cares. At all. George Clooney hugged me last year. John Hillstrand from Deadliest Catch smacked me on the butt when I met him in August. You don't see me walking around bragging that these things happened to me. Oh, wait. I do brag about these things....never mind. Just stop being a clothes repeater. And in case you didn't catch that...GEORGE CLOONEY HUGGED ME!!!

Next we moved to Chris Fleming's garage to find him struggling to make ends meet....shocker. He went all of 6 seconds before making a comment that he hadn't slept because he's been working to put food on the table. (Also, local race rumor is that Chris Fleming is rolling in the dough since this show aired because generous viewers are donating to his cause.) Chris Fleming tells the viewers that he doesn't believe in superstitions. Hey Chris, maybe you should buddy.....you really aren't that good of a driver. Stop eating peanuts on race day. In fact, maybe you should try a carrot stick or a rice cake.

(Racers do not eat peanuts on race day because an old wives tale is that a dirt track racer from way back when used to give peanuts to his opponents before races. His fellow peanut eating compadres would always crash.)

On to Junior Miller's garage. I could write for hours on what happens in Junior Miller's garage. Even if I liked the guy I could still come up with a million jokes about him and his race team. The fact that his crew chief looks and acts like a meth head is a good starting point. I'll give it to the guy though, he works really hard. Junior's team spent this week trying to use some new computer software (or hardware....they couldn't get the terminology right so they called it both) to calibrate some settings on the car. I'm going to emphsize the use of the word trying. While loading the program on to the computer, Junior's crew chief politely asked the crew member/Bill Gates wannabe who was the master mind behind this plan, "Can you get porn on that computer?" To which crew member/Bill Gates wannabe replied, "Yup." After listening to this conversation the following scenario played out in my mind....."What's that Junior, you're driving 80mph and the shocks are balanced right, you feel like you're going to crash and die??? Hmm, maybe we missed something in between doing calibrations and watching "Good Will Humping."

I know it's shocking but Junior's merry band of computer programmers were unable to figure out how to become more technologically savvy. I can't decide if they couldn't figure the program out or if the 3 inch ash from the cigarette dangling from a crew member's mouth fell off into the keyboard damaging it forever.

Also...this is specifically for Yarddawg....I hope you took note....Junior said, "Don't plant taters on a full moon." Maybe you should pass this along to your fellow horticulturists?

On to my favorite place on earth....besides Dewey's bakery and Dollywood....the Myers garage. First, I have to say that I think it is so sexy when good ole' southern boys refer to their fathers as Daddy. They say it with this southern twang that just melts my little heart. This week we learned a little about the Myers family and where their roots of racing came from. It was neat to hear how racing has been a part of this family for so long. Also, Burt was sporting a mohawk this week which I found fabulous. What I found even more fabulous was when Jason walked in the garage with 2 massive chains begging Burt to put them around his neck and say, "I pity the fool." Quality.

On to race day. We saw our first afternoon thunderstorm of the season. Racers got nervous as the track was soaked which makes for difficult racing as traction suffers. Qualifying was rained out so the drivers were forced to draw for postion. Let me explain how the draw works. They draw and number and start in that spot. Yeah, yeah....that's boring. Let me add something to that......they draw poker chips with a number on them out of a sock that looks like it came off a homeless man's foot. Fancy? No. Does it work? Yes. Does the winner of the race get a week's supply of Gold Bond Triple Action Medicated Foot Cream for their hand? I would hope so.

The race is underway and Burt quickly takes the lead. Chris Fleming wrecks immediately and appears to be done for the day...however, he manages to get his car fixed in time to get a few laps under his belt towards the end of the race. Tim Brown is behind Burt near the front. We see Jason Myers move all the way up to 4th place. Right behind him sits Junior. Burt's transmission starts to drop causing him to go from 1st to 3rd and opening the door for Tim Brown and his Brillo pad hair to move into 1st. Junior starts bumping Jason trying to spin him and, on the last lap, does. Tim Brown wins the race but no one cares because, as I stated last week, he's boring.

Post race we're taken to the pits where the real action begins....Junior and the Myers boys start yelling at one another. Winston Salem's finest are pulling crew members apart and separating everyone involved. Jason throws a water bottle at Junior. It is action packed.

It just keeps getting better and better....stay tuned.

And finally, your Madhouse Quote of the Week:

Jason Myers (responding to Burt saying that he felt sorry for Junior Miller): "Do you feel sorry for a terd* before you flush it down the toilet?"

Seriously folks, I can't make this stuff up!!

*Esbee note: I changed the spelling of this fine word in an attempt to avoid Google hits of a particularly foul nature.
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