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Tuesday, June 24, 2008

ATTN: Citizens of Forsyth County or The Post Wherein I Detail Appropriate Jury Duty Attire

Congratulations! You've been called for jury duty, or "jury service" as the informational video you'll be forced to watch calls it! What fun!

You may be swept up in the ardor of public service, but there are a few things you should remember while standing in front of your closet preparing to don your John/Joann Q. Public vestments.

A. Contrary to what you may have been led to believe, spandex is a privilege, not a right. Although highly unregulated, spandex is the domain of an elite group of citizens ONLY. Specifically it belongs to young, nubile beings, who have insanely low BMIs and have lost absolutely zero skin elasticity, and is only worn while in a gymnasium or other sporting venue in a participatory capacity. This means that regardless of your body size or age, there is NO REASON FOR SPANDEX TO BE WORN TO THE HALL OF JUSTICE.

B. Just say no to cleavage in ANY form.
  1. Ladies: If I, at 5'2", can while standing across from you see four (4) inches of heaving bosom cleavage on your 5'7" frame, I can only imagine what those who are 6'0" see. Eight (8) inches of cleavage? Or does it increase exponentially? Differential equations aside, the Hall of Justice is not the place to let the dogs out.
  2. Ladies and Gentlemen: If, when either seated or standing, you can feel a downdraft wafting your backside, your pants are too low-rise to be worn without a longer top in the Hall of Justice. Much longer. Possibly knee-length.
C. Goodness knows I love me some Hanes Beefy T's, shorts and flip-flops. Nothing better when you are brushing the dog, washing the car, hosing off the grill. Not, however, when you are called upon to serve your County in a judicial role. Not just in combination either: none of the three elements should appear on your person in a jury box.

What you should wear: pretend your great-grandmother has invited you to join her for a cuppa and a chat. You need to dress comfortably, but a little conservatively, and definitely neatly.

And then you need to show up, because clearly Forsyth County needs you, for not only did they call upon me, one of the twelve (12) pre-Obama Democrats in the County, they also called upon the long-dead man who used to own our house again; his Jury Summons arrived two days after mine.

More on Jury Duty/Service in Forsyth County
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