My family had Christmas at our house this morning. What? Yes, early. We have our reasons.
What? A gift for you? OK. A little competition of sorts. You get the gift of vote.
Background: Esbette and I were at TJ Maxx on Robinhood when we were struck with the urge to dress each other in the most special way possible: a Stylist From Hell Smackdown, if you will. The rules were simple: each person had to make the most unattractive, complete outfit for the other. All clothing had to be in the dressee's actual size.
ESBETTE'S RESULTS: Esbette had a very strong showing. Remembering my personal rule, Gauchos are Gauche, she selected some for me, guaranteeing to double my width and halve my height instantaneously. She added a shapeless black sweater with odd, black beads that looked like small tumors all over it. However, Esbette loses points because the actual fabric of the gauchos wasn't repulsive. I could have rocked it at least to "almost passable" by adding a wide, low-slung belt and a fab, elongating scarf, plucking off the tumor beads, and wearing some kickin', high-heeled black boots. But as it stands, she fashioned me into a dowdy, dwarfin Weeble Wobble, and that's tremendous. Cost of outfit: $60.
ESBEE'S RESULTS: I did amazingly well, turning Esbette's well-toned figure into a gawky mess. For her blouse, I chose a wretched, mushroom colored lycra-poly blend, with unattractive ruching up the front and a see-through back. This blouse not only made Esbette look cheap, it made her look like she was suffering from consumption. Continuing my lycra theme, I added cropped leggings, with bizarre, piratelike ties at the meatiest part of the calf. Arrr! As an added bonus, they were a dingy shade of red, looking old and forlorn even with the tags still hanging on them. Overall, she looks like a contagious elf on the make. It would be impossible to make this outfit work, even with Esbette's splendid figure. Cost of outfit: $25.
So who wins? I'm pretty sure I do.