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Friday, October 27, 2006

ATTN: Visitors to our fine city

I'm going to make it easy for you to blend in, should you be a non-resident of Winston-Salem.

Fresh Market at Thruway

To fit in, you'll want:
1. $200 dollar, ash blonde helmet coif
2. Burberry rain gear
3. Chanel purse

1. Keep your back ramrod straight.
2. Look simultaneously incredibly aloof (people) and absorbed (products).
3. Pretend you adore ingredients like Imported Caspian Hydro-Virginic Walnut Oil, but certainly would never buy anything like instant grits.

What you should avoid:
1. Eye contact with anyone. Avoid it at all costs.

2. Bringing a small child, lest he say, in a loud voice, in the quiet that is the Prepared Foods Counter waiting area, "Wow, that fart just jumped right out of my butt!"

Remember that advice about avoiding eye contact? Well, when you fail to make eye contact with him, hoping people might think that old battle-axe over there (yes, her, the one shod in pink driving moccasins) said it? He's going to grab the front of your shirt and repeat himself. You see, he's pleased about it, and he has high hopes you will be, too. The rest of the people in Fresh Market? Sooooo not pleased.
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