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Saturday, September 02, 2006

To my dear friend, Nancy, I bequeath my casserole dish...

I'm dying. I'm not sure if I caught this hellspawn virus from the new school year germpool or from the doctor's office, where I was Monday last for the youngest's annual checkup. In any event, I haven't long now, I can tell. My ears are so congested I'm actually hoping for an eardrum rupture, my sinuses feel like they're being used to store potatoes, and my limbs ache like I swam the length of the Mississippi.

All that remains is to decide what euphemism to use in my obituary. Optimally, I'd like to work all of the following in.

Some of my favorite euphemisms from the Winston-Salem Journal obituaries
  • God plucked one of His heavenly flowers
  • He took his final trip over to the field
  • Her faith turned to sight
  • He went to meet his Lord at Forsyth Medical Center
  • God gave him a promotion to Heaven
  • God dispatched his precious angels to escort her from her earthly life to rest in her new heavenly home
  • Before the dew was on the roses, he heard the voice of Jesus calling out to him
  • God, in his infinite wisdom, saw fit to call her home
  • He went on the morning train to heaven
  • He ended his season and fulfilled his purpose
  • She was called from labor to rest and responded to the Angel's call, "I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith." Timothy 4:7
  • She began choreographing the Angelic Ballet
  • He received the checkered flag, winning his last race
  • He began his retirement with the Lord
  • He had his sunset
  • He joined his beloved wife in Heaven
  • She reached out and touched God's hand
  • She quietly and peacefully entered into her Father's house

Sincerely, our local newspaper has the best obituaries I've ever read. They are funny and touching and sorrowful and triumphant all at once.

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