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Wednesday, March 01, 2006

epistles

Dear Harris Teeter:

Thank you so much for switching your grocery carts from metal to plastic! However, you failed to switch out the Shopper In Training carts. Those are still metal. You may not have realized this, but the wee kids who maneuver the S.I.T. carts about are actually the most likely to ram carts into random shoppers' Achilles tendons. Who'd have thought it?



Dear Bo "No Lawn Too" Small:

I already have a gardener. Hence, the well-manicured lawn. Please stop leaving your trashy leaflets all over it.



To the Person With the Corvette for Sale in the Driveway on Coliseum Drive:

The front of your midlife crisis car actually touches the road airspace. Are you hoping someone will smash into it so you can collect the insurance? Back it up, buttercup.



Dear Pottery Barn:

I'm not a treehugger, but since I have never ordered anything from you, I sure wish you'd stop sending me 3-4 catalogues a week. What the hell - do you print up a whole new catalogue every time you come up with a new, overpriced curtain pullback? Ever heard of deforestation? Freaks.
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